We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
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