quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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