my phone needs a breathalizer
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
