on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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