I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I need to calm my uterus...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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