dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
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