I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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