a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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