I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
