Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
