He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm experimenting with sincerity
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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