grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
