Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
