I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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