im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
