"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
