Heybabeimwearingurpanties
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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