So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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