He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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