When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
i used baking grease as lip gloss
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
and you fell through a lawn chair
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
