moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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