I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
