Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
