I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
