if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
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