Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
