I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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