You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
