PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
