These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Randomize
