theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
