this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
