Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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