She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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