Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I FOUND THE LEGS
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Randomize
