Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
