eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Randomize
