I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
