If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
