A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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