my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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