Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
