I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
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Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
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As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!