dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man