I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
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I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
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Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.