Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
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Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
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I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.