Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.