just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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