also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
