i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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