Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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