I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
