24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
