so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
