Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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