He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
