guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
